The Overland, Adelaide to Melbourne

Somehow I managed to enjoy my freshly-nuked bacon and cheese croissant, despite its limp, deflated appearance. I think it was because I was on a train, which is fun, rather than a plane, which is not. Maybe the simple fact of having a steady blood-flow through your legs makes things taste better?

Qantas Flight QF 93, Trans-Pacific

Mmmmm... airplane food. After a dozen hours crammed in like a sardine, I was looking forward to any breakfast. Even this. And despite looking rather sad, it was quite edible, if a little difficult to eat. You just need to take turns using your elbows. And carefully time each forkful of scrambled egg so that it makes the journey to your mouth without incident. Turbulence is a bitch.

Two Fingers, Melbourne

Almost French, Richmond

A baguette is very French. A scrambled egg and bacon roll is not very French. So I guess it makes sense to describe a scrambled egg and bacon baguette as almost French. And it was an obvious choice for breakfast at Almost French, 138 Swan Street, Richmond, Tel +61 3 9429 2080. Très très yummy.



The quality of the baguette made all the difference to this take-away breakfast. Light and crispy on the outside. Soft, fresh and ever so slightly chewy on the inside. And stuffed with scrambled eggs and a generous amount of crispy bacon through a slit along the spine. I was a little concerned that their re-heating technique might ruin everything (part microwave, part toaster-oven), but it worked just fine.

More bakery than cafe, there are, nonetheless, a handful of small cafe tables for dining in, from which you can admire the handiwork of local celebrity Mirka Mora. You might even get a chance to admire Mirka herself. She popped in for some bread while I was there.

Pearl Cafe, Richmond

Make no mistake. I am a greedy pig. So things are pretty bad when I put the fork down half-way through my eggs. But that's exactly what happened this morning at Pearl Cafe, 599 Church Street, Richmond, Tel +61 3 9427 1307. What a train wreck.



The original Pearl turned coddled eggs into an art form. Pearl Cafe turned out coddled eggs that made my stomach churn. First, they wheel out a dish that it absolutely swimming in raw egg white. Not coddled. Not lightly cooked. Raw. After a short discussion with my waiter we agree that coddled eggs are not supposed to be raw, so they are sent back for a bit more coddling, or so I think. A while later I am presented with a plate of hard, rubbery eggs, the remnants of which are pictured above. Let's not molly-coddle these people. It was disgusting.

Normally, the combination of mushrooms, double-smoked bacon, sage and burnt butter is a winner. Somehow, this dish kills the magic. The mushrooms were wet and bland, not buttery and tasty. The bacon was wet and limp. The toasted multi-grain was dry and butter-less. And the sage was nowhere to be found.

But it's not all bad. If you go to Pearl and order the muesli, or one of the bacon, egg, lettuce and tomato panini, you will be very happy. The french toasted peach sandwhich with vanilla marscapone might also be good. And the venue is slick, if a little noisy, with cute touches like Japanese Geisha salt and pepper mills.

Just avoid the coddled eggs.

13/20 "stick to the muesli"

Cumulus Inc, Melbourne

I have spoken before about grand master Andrew McConnell's special culinary powers. The legend continues at Cumulus, Inc., 45 Flinders Lane, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9650 1445. He calls the place an eating house where breakfast is done simply. But since when do "eating houses" dabble in molecular gastronomy? Breakfast done simply my arse.



Not that I'm complaining. He can tinker around with the slow poaching machine and other scientific experiments as long as he likes. The failures can go in the bin. And the winners can go on the menu. Like the 65/65 egg. Slow "poached" in its shell at 65 degrees for 65 minutes, this is one perfect eggy-wegg. Just soft and slightly oozy all the way through. Genius.

If he keeps coming up with dishes like this, McConnell may soon be challenging Wylie Dufresne for the "Egg Man" title. In fact, now that I think of it, they share an eerie resemblance, especially in the haircut department. Not that I'm accusing Andrew of ripping off Wylie's look.

The 65/65 egg is served, sans shell, on a slice of crunchy sourdough toast, surrounded by smoked salmon, sprinkled with a few shreds of sorrel and dill, and topped with miniature apple soldiers about the size of matchsticks ($17). I contemplated dunking my apple soldiers in the egg yolk, but that would have looked a bit stupid, so I just shovelled bits onto my egg and toast.

If you're hungry, a better option may be the Full English ($18), which includes toast, farmhouse slab bacon, fried eggs, blood sausage, and smoked tomato. I am a big fan of the smoked vegetable, by the way, and the Tom Cooper smoked tomato they serve at Cumulus is no exception. Which reminds me, if you ever make it to wd~50 in New York, you should not miss Wylie Dufresne's smoked mashed potato (served with cod). It rocks. But I digress... For something a bit healthier, try the Bircher muesli with grated granny smiths and almonds ($10).

Coffee, service and venue are all excellent. But I have absolutely no idea why they named the place after a cloud.

20/20 "smokin"

Top 20 Melbourne

It's been a while since I did the original Top 10 wrap-up for Melbourne breakfasts. So to make up for lost time I am now doing a Melbourne Top 20. Some clever-dick will probably nit-pick about Mt Macedon. Whatever. It's greater-Melbourne. Sort of. Breakfast Blog mavens will also not that I am listing them all as an alphabetical bucket this time, not ranked in any particular order. It's just coincidence that Apte comes top and also happens to have the highest score.

Apte, Alphington
Balzari, Carlton
Blue Tongue, Elwood
Botanical, South Yarra
Braeside Cafe, Mt Macedon
Circa, St Kilda
European, Melbourne
Fandango, North Melbourne
Filter Cafe, Fitzroy
Galleon Cafe, St Kilda
Greasy Joe's, St Kilda
Green Grocer, North Fitzroy
Harveys, South Yarra
Las Chicas, Balaclava
Mario's, Fitzroy
Mart 130, Middle Park
Panette, South Melbourne
Replete Providore, Hawthorn
Tom Phat, Brunswick
Walter's Wine Bar, Southbank

Commercial Bakery, Secret Eggs

Hidden away off Little Collins Street, just up from Elizabeth Street, and just down from the back door of the old McEwans (now tarted up and renamed The Foundry), lurks a new city venue known as Commercial Bakery, 360 Little Collins Street (up the rear), Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9670 7214. And hidden somewhere other than on the menu, is the fact that you can order a plate of scrambled eggs. I only know this because I saw said scrambled eggs served up to another customer, as I tucked in to my egg and bacon ciabatta (which seemed to be the only egg option on the menu).

The Essoign Club, Melbourne

Only a club for barristers and judges could come up with a rule that anyone caught answering their mobile phone in the restaurant must buy each adjoining table a bottle of wine. Unfortunately for me, nobody breached this rule during my breakfast at The Essoign, Level 1, 205 William Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9225 6748. I would have quite enjoyed a nice Bourgogne for breakfast. Beats getting hit on the head with a bottle of Pinot Grigio.



It being a week day, I opted for the "McBarrister", one of the lighter and more amusing items on the menu. A parody of the Bacon & Egg McMuffin, only superior in every way. Fresh fluffy muffins. Tasty bacon. Fried egg. And a melting slice of tasty cheese. Simple but good.

My barrister host talked up the "Trial Breakfast", but this wasn't mere puffery. The eggs were poached just right, and the bacon, bangers and toast looked well above average. Very good coffee, too.



The main problem with The Essoign is that you can't just rock up and order some eggs. There are rules, you see. You must be a member, or you must be with a member (and to be a member you must be a member of the Bar). But if you have the misfortune to be a "current litigant" (ie, someone dragging or being dragged by another through court) then you can't go at all.

14/20 "members only"

Morgans at 401, Melbourne

When I saw the blackboard special of poached eggs and bacon on potato roesti, I decided it was time to try breakfast at Morgans at 401, 401 Collins Street, Melbourne, Tel +61 3 9224 5196. My only hope was that Morgan's breakfast performance would be better than its recent federal election tipping performance.



Poor old Gary Morgan got it all wrong in 2001 when he tipped a Kim Beazley landslide, only to fail again in 2004 by tipping a narrow win to Mark "train wreck" Latham. He may not actually have tipped an ALP victory in Afghanistan, but he does seem to have a nasty habit of over-cooking ALP support by about 2 percentage points.

Luckily, Morgans didn't overcook my breakfast. In fact they cooked it just right. The poached eggs were excellent. Nice soft yolks in a vibrant shade of dark orange. The bacon was also very good. Just the right amount of crisp. The only let-down was the roesti, which was too much like a pancake for my taste. It needed more spud.

For a city venue, Morgans has a pretty good range: eggs benedict or florentine ($9.90); omelettes ($9.90); pancakes with blueberries and cream ($9.50); muesli with yoghurt and honey ($5.90); muffins; croissants; toast and more.

And as if to stress that tipping is best left to the experts, the Morgans menu declares: "gratuities not necessary"

13/20 "good eggs"



Eggs & Bacon $7.90 BB100 -21%