Hampton Coffee Co, The Hamptons

You wear clothes, so it's not breakfast. And you're not that hungry yet, so it's not lunch. It's the meal that won't commit.

Mystery Hamptons golfer comments on brunch

So, you're on your way to Shinnecock Hills, it's not quite lunch time, but you need a few extra carbs to power through 18 holes. Brunch is for pussies. What do you do? Easy. Grab yourself an egg and bacon sandwich at the Hampton Coffee Company, 869 Montauk Highway, Water Mill, New York, Tel +1 (631) 726-2633. Crispy bacon. Just the right amount of ooze from the egg. And a brioche bun as soft and fat as your worst bunker shot. Washed down with a freshly roasted house brew, it's the perfect pre-game pick-me-up.



Unfortunately I was on my way home from Poxabogue, rather than on my way to Shinnecock Hills, but the same principles apply. Sort of.

The Commoner, Fitzroy

I'll bet they don't serve food like this in prison. Unlike the "bran flakes and milk, hard-boiled eggs, a bun, jelly and fruit juice" that Paris Hilton is currently not eating, the fried egg sandwich at The Commoner, 122 Johnston St, Fitzroy, Tel +61 3 9415 6876, is hot. They call it "Honky". And this is one Honky worth speeding across town in your Bentley for.



The Honky really is an excellent egg sandwich. Two thick slices of Babka white bread, filled with a fried egg, crispy pancetta, rocket, aioli and harissa. Loaded with flavour. But not quite perfect. The yolk, you see, was still very much in liquid form. One bite and your hands, plate and the table below are covered in bright yellow goo. You have been warned. Unfortunately, I wasn't.

Paris, as we all know, was warned. But she, like, didn't understand that, like, she might end up in, like, a small cage wearing orange overalls (which are so last season), eating bran flakes. Helloooo... bran flakes? Can't I, like, order in a Bacon & Egg McMuffin?

Even Tony "The Rug" Mokbel is moaning about prison food. Who do I have to shoot to get a decent espresso 'round here?

Luckily, I was able to score a very nice latte at The Commoner without any threat of physical violence. But if you like it strong, you should say so. The default brew was a bit weak for my taste.

16/20 "honky"



Eggs & Bacon $12.00 BB100 +20%

Fuzzy's Grub, London

Little did I know that, as I tucked into this sausage and egg sarnie from Fuzzy's Grub, on the other side of the world Eddie McGuire was boning himself. Luckily, there were no bones in my bangers. Just meat, and the usual extenders they stuff them with. Tasty.



Ordering at Fuzzy's proved to be something of a challenge. It all started smoothly enough...

Me: "A toasted sausage and egg sandwich on granary, please..."

Fuzzy: "Yes..."

Me: "And some HP sauce..."

Fuzzy: "Sorry?" (confused look)

Me: "Some HP sauce..."

Fuzzy: "Some?" (more confused look)

Me: "H... P... sauce..."

Fuzzy: "H... P...?" (totally confused look)

At this point it occurs to me that this particular Fuzzy's guest-worker has a less-than-perfect grasp of English, and despite the use of "HP sauce" on the menu above her head, is not fully up to speed on her brown sauce brands. So I connect the dots...

Me: "Brown sauce..."

Fuzzy: "Aaaaah... brown sauce... yes!"

And so we were back on track... until further down the production line, when I'm asked if I would like some salt and pepper. At this point I used what I thought was international sign language for "a little bit" and made that gesture where you hold up your index finger very close to your thumb... the kind of gesture that can ruin a man's reputation in the bedroom... you know the one.

Fuzzy then proceeded to drown my sandwich in a blizzard of salt and pepper, before asking me if it was OK. I think she may have seen the look of horror on my face.

Me: "No, it's not OK, but it's too late now, so don't worry about it..."

And that was that. The sandwich was a bit spicy, but otherwise very good. Once you learn to speak Fuzzy's, it's easy to see why people keep coming back for more.