Charley's, Boston

The FCC is worried that gullible Americans might be tricked into buying stuff by embedded advertising, a sneaky form of product placement that's woven into the plot so that (a) you don't think it's an ad, and (b) you can't skip over it with your TiVo. Instead of watching a Kirstie Alley weight-loss ad during an episode of Cheers, you watch Rebecca Howe telling Sam she owes her sexy new look to Jenny Craig. You get the idea.



But don't be fooled. Jenny Craig is not the answer. I have a much better strategy for weight-loss: start the day with breakfast at a place that serves really disgusting home fries, like Charley's, 284 Newbury Street in Boston's Back Bay, Tel +1 (617) 266-3000. It's easy to cut back on the carbs when the potatoes are cold, soggy and smothered in white pepper. I hate white pepper. And I really hate it on cold soggy home fries.

Luckily, the filet mignon benedict was much better than the home fries. Take a traditional eggs benedict, swap the ham for a couple of slabs of tender beef, switch the hollandaise for a nice tarragon-infused bernaise, and as Gordon Ramsay would say... done. It's great if you're in the mood for meat.

Although the staff at Charley's were all very chipper and friendly, they really had no eye for detail. We ordered Irish breakfast tea to come out with the food (extra tea-bags please, if that's all you've got), and out came a single tea bag of English breakfast. I asked for little or no ice in my bloody mary, and I got enough to sink the Titanic. And when the eggs benny arrived, the fruit garnish was topped with a bonus piece of somebody else's left-over, yolk-soaked muffin. How it fell off an inbound plate and onto an outbound plate is a mystery which nobody could explain, but the manager was very apologetic, and they didn't charge us for the meal (nor for the extra scrap of vintage muffin).

Nonetheless, as long as you keep an eye out for foreign objects, Charley's serves some pretty decent food in a very pleasant setting (the outside tables are especially pleasant). They even throw in a bonus bloody mary, mimosa or Bud-light with each of the brunch specialties (eggs, french toast, pancakes, omelettes, etc).

But whatever you do, don't eat the home fries, or you might end up looking like this.

12/20 "homeless fries"

Caffe Sienna, South Yarra

If you like posing and perving, then get yourself to Caffe Sienna, 402 Chapel Street, South Yarra, Tel +61 3 9827 1353. It is a poser's and perve's paradise. And if you manage to score a table fronting onto Chapel Street, there's generally plenty to perve at. You know... Ducatis and Lamborghinis and hot chicks and stuff like that.



The "mediterranean" pork sausage looked like it got caught in a Ducati sprocket, but it was tasty and good. The scrambled eggs Sienna were also pretty good, souped up with capsicum, spring onion, bacon bits and tasty cheese. The toast ("Jurgens cob") was a bit dry and stale.

The menu aims to cover all bases for its target customers. For the skinny, narcissistic, Posh lookalike, there's Special K (presumably a small bowl served with low-fat water). For the iron-man lookalike there's a bowl of Nutri-Grain, followed by a "Big Brekki" of eggs, bacon, sausage, tomato, mushroom and mass-produced hash browns. Or your choice of muesli, porridge, bagels, croissants and omelettes.

Service was OK, but not great, mostly because it was slow and not very attentive. I hate it when staff are nowhere to be found, right when you need them. Like when you want to see a menu, or place an order, or pay the bill, etc.

12/20 "impressive sausage"



Eggs & Bacon $9.70 BB100 -3%

Kooroora Kitchen, Mt Buller

Assuming you don't get run over by a sugar-mommy in a Porsche Cayenne on the way there, they serve a half-decent breakfast at The Kooroora Kitchen, Village Square, Mt Buller, Tel +61 3 5777 6712. Which is quite a surprise really, since most snow-food is about half as good and twice as expensive as what you get back in the big smoke.



It wasn't the best breakfast I've had, but the scrambles were nice and creamy, the bacon and mushrooms were good, and toast and beans were fine. The disappointment was the coffee, which was OK, but only just.

Other food options are limited (pancakes, croissants, toast and porridge); the venue is relaxed and basic (it's a grungy bar by night); and the service is fine (except that you need to place your order at the counter).

You won't find too many sugar-mommies inside the Kooroora. It's more of a shredder kind of place, where you go to sink piss and brag about how you rode fakie into a backside 360 before sticking a cab 540 under the Grimus triple chair. Or something like that.

12/20 "snow job"