Black Ruby, Carlton

I can say with absolute certainty that I have no recollection of any hot, naked lap-dancers when I had breakfast at Black Ruby, 344 Rathdowne St, Carlton North, Tel +61 3 9348 2777. But I was pissed. So pissed, in fact, that I can't recall what happened. Except, of course, that nothing inappropriate happened. That I can recall.



Actually, I'm lying. I wasn't pissed. And, unfortunately, I do recall what happened.

It was a breakfast with all the consistency of Rudd's recollections of a Soiree at Scores. Nice beans and bangers. Nasty eggs. Tasty Bacon. Bland hash browns. Sensational relish. Soggy toast. But it was the eggs that did the most damage. If poached eggs are as deformed and damaged as what they served us, then you scrape the pieces into the bin and start again. You don't scrape them onto a plate and serve them up (the picture doesn't do them justice, but you can see a disembodied yolk if you look closely).

I think the ricotta and blueberry hotcakes would have been a better option. Or maybe the honey toasted muesli with apricot, peach compote and natural yoghurt.

Service, coffee and venue were all good, without being great. A bit like Kevin's lap-dance, really. Quite forgettable.

13/20 "nice relish"